Have you ever known one of those friends who takes it upon themselves to try to solve everyone’s problems? In conversation with one of these friends they review each mutual acquaintance, friend or family member and proceed to diagnose their problem(s) and suggest possible solutions. Often viewing it as their moral duty, paternal responsibility or simply out of their own innocent attempt to “help” others they become self-appointed therapists, counselors, and experts trying to ‘fix’ others. This isn’t just mothers, grandmothers or concerned academic or spiritual leaders that are trained and conditioned to do this, it is common people like me too. I have been guilty of this tendency for years. I have learned the hard way–people don’t need or want fixed–they only want understood.
My own painful experience has taught me another life changing secret—nobody needs ‘fixed’ or ‘saved’ they only need appreciated and loved.
What is Your Agenda??
Whether we are aware of it or not each of us has an agenda. We may spend our whole lives supposing we don’t have one, but we do. It is ignorance or denial to think otherwise. For me, it was and is a combination of both. Feeling that we are in “the right” and perceiving some flaw in another we try to “win” converts to our philosophical, political, religious or social dogmatic views, always supposing ours is superior. We run around as self-appointed judges tallying up offense, wrongdoing and imperfection in others and yourself. Likewise conditioned by some measure of a programmed inferiority or guilt complex we are constantly fretting, weighing, considering what we “should” do and how far off we are where we “should” be.
The ego-driven mind is constantly thinking…
What can I do to help others see the way I see, believe the things I believe, and live the way I live?
How can I get others to adopt this behavior? How can I get them to like me? Look like me? Support me? Appreciate me? How can I get my kids to like eating broccoli, enjoy scrubbing the toilets or stop playing video games? No matter how we may slyly and covertly disguise our words and behavior it is some degree of manipulation. And we are running on this subconscious program of diagnosing and fixing “problems” and trying to persuade people constantly. This idea is extremely threatening to the ego because its very identity is bound up in it. It is its normal modus operandi but happens beneath our conscious awareness most of the time.
Trained In The School Of Fixing Others
I was born, bred and schooled in the art of manipulation for years, particularly in my native religious faith. I was in the practice of trying to win converts to my way of life. Yet despite all my zeal and persuasiveness it seldom worked. I had to somehow convince others there was something wrong with them and that my solution to their problem was superior to any others they could find anywhere.
Even with all the dogmatic knowledge and people skills at my command it seldom worked. And when it did its results were almost always transitory and fleeting. Those same tactics similarly have seldom worked to magically reform my children, spouse and family to my higher more ‘enlightened’ way of living and believing. It took mental and spiritual dynamite and a fair bit of discomfort to begin to see things differently. I realized the entire paradigm I was laboring under, albeit earnest and sincere, was misguided and illusory.
There is a self-righteous attitude that predominates this paradigm that is bent on “fixing” things, helping to “heal” what we believe is wrong, missing, or even broken within us or in others. It is a moral duty to make the world better or to “change the world.” We feel a false sense of superiority over others as we go around diagnosing all sorts of problems, difficulties and deficiencies and offering our counsel to others. What I realized was that there was no way to ever “win” with this paradigm. The “weaknesses,” “faults,” “flaws,” or “sins” I wanted to fix in others were my own insecurities and beliefs of not-enough-ness being projected externally. I was completely blind to the absolute precision and perfection that is the Universe.
You See Things Only As You Are
Understanding how your mind is designed to function is key to recognizing this inborn tendency. The mind is only interested in maintaining the status quo. Repeating, rehearsing—almost ad nauseum—the same narrative over and over reinforcing a comforting sense of psychological certainty. A feeling that “I am right” and others are wrong is its’ comfort zone. The mind’s nature is to convince us that its unique view of experience is THE one. Thus, each individual secretly feels that their experience of the world is the ONLY true and accurate one. Its’ great motivation then is to convince, persuade, cajole, and convert others to its unique view of the world. Until we become conscious of this built in tendency we will always be controlled by the mind.
All ‘Truth’ Is Relative To The Observer
We are only aware of whatever degree of “truth” that resonates with our level of consciousness. We see the world not as it is but only as we are so it is presumptuous to assume we know THE truth. We know the version of it passed through our personal filter and that which aligns with our personal vibration, that which our nervous system is able to receive and process. Science itself has demonstrated the brain processes 400 billion bits of data a second but we are only aware of 2,000 of them. The brain is a reducing valve trained to only pay any attention to the fixed narrow band of information that is consonant with its existing belief system(s).
How then could we begin to believe that we know THE truth?
How then could we consider it rational, reasonable or just to position ourselves as judges of all that doesn’t align with our little flicker of awareness?
The fact is your ego-driven mind feels threatened anytime it is challenged. Its survival exists only within the comfort zone of its known beliefs and practices.
How Do You Treat Someone Who Doesn’t Do What You Want Them To??
“Just think about how nice you are to people when they behave in accordance with your expectations. Now think about how you close up and pull back from them when they don’t. This is not to mention getting angry or even violent towards them. What are you doing? You are trying to change someone’s behavior by leaving impressions on their mind. You are attempting to alter their collection of beliefs, thoughts and emotions so that the next time they act it is in the manner you expect. In truth, we are all doing this to each other every day.” (The Untethered Soul; p.212)
How can we listen or help another if it is merely from our own cultural, social and religious perspective? If we have a set of beliefs to sell another then we are surely imposing our idea of life upon her without letting her grow as nature intended. It is, more or less, another subtle way of declaring: “Do this, believe this, behave like this or else I don’t accept you.” I have seen this many times, particularly in light of letting go of a religious faith I believed and loved my whole life and seeing the reactions of those who were previously friends and family.
I have noticed the same thing happening everyday all day as a parent. I am subconsciously saying to my children all the time: “Do this now, be this, swallow and digest this belief system I am feeding you or else I can’t—I won’t accept you.” It is both humbling and alarming how we have all been conditioned to offer conditional love to others—all reflecting the conditional love we offer ourselves.
What if you put no conditions on your acceptance of yourself and others?
What happens when you remove any and all conditions or expectations you have of others? You set yourself and others free! The mind is always going to try to convince you that you have to change something outside in order to solve your inner problems. Real wisdom comes when we recognize external changes are not going to solve our problem because they don’t address the root of our problem. The root problem of all other problems is that we don’t feel whole and complete within ourselves. It is impossible not to come at life from attack, protect, defend, judge, criticize mode if we feel we are lacking. The entire premise of the self-help industry, though well-intentioned, undermines the whole essence of the innate wholeness and worthiness that IS us.
If you think that it is possible to be lost, broken, or wrong you can’t help but suffer. As soon as you suppose there is a gap between who you think you are and who you really are in the continuum of presence, you create suffering, which is doubt and fear, which is separation in all its forms. It is a construct of the mind alone. This often is perceived as blasphemy or ridiculousness by many because we have been so programmed to spend our lives in fix-it mode.
What If You Let Go Forever of The Need To ‘Fix’ Anyone–Including YOU?
What if you began to let go of the human compulsion to try to diagnose and “fix” your life, your relationships and everyone else around you? I can’t begin to tell you the heightened sense of FREEDOM and expansion you begin to feel.
Once you truly learn to accept, embrace and love every part of yourself you will feel no rush to “save” anyone, most especially you.
No urgency to convince, convert or reform another to your way of life—even family members and children. You will sense more and more the Oneness and connectivity that underlies all of physical form. The perfection and Wholeness that was never nor could ever be broken.
Life’s agenda will become appreciating, accepting and honoring, not correcting or fixing what you think is ‘wrong.’
That is when the real magic of conscious communion and unconditional love transforms everything in your outer world as it previously has your inner. If you are ready to truly ‘let go’ and experience life on a whole new level try our FREE 5 day challenge.Find it Here