I seriously hate being pregnant. It is the hardest thing in the world for me.
I know that many women try really really hard to have babies and can’t. I totally get it and am sorry if this post offends those of you who would do anything to have a child. Believe me when I say, I understand the desire and need for a baby- I was there for about five years. We had already have five children really easily, but I felt a reoccurring nagging feeling on many occasions that we were not done yet and that our family was incomplete. For five years we tried to bring another boy into the world (we have 4 daughters and one son) and yet we got nothing. Going from getting pregnant too easily to having to see a doctor about infertility is a humbling and weird experience.
Those five years of longing ended for me, two summers ago (July 2016), when I had an ectopic pregnancy and had to get emergency surgery to take out a Fallopian tube and one of my ovaries. After that, I finally felt like I was done. I believed that my last child was now in heaven and after a while I came to grips with that, accepting it as the Lord’s will for our family. I also thought it was no longer possible for me to get pregnant.
That fall, my youngest entered school full-time and for the first time in 12 years I got to taste the freedom that comes during the day when all the children are in school.
It was the most exhilarating and liberating feeling I had had in years. I could actually clean my house and have it stay that way for several hours instead of minutes. I could prepare myself a meal and eat it without interruptions. I could exercise and take showers. I could take long peaceful walks, spend hours reading books, and indulge in an occasional Netflix binge of a favorite show. Indeed my life became rather blissful. I called it the sweet spot of parenting. I had the best of both worlds: time with and away from my kids.
For two years I enjoyed this freedom to the max and found such joy in reinventing myself. I became a personal development fanatic- reading at least two books a week and listening to audio books and podcasts for hours on end while I kept my house sparkling clean and beautiful and made the most of every minute. I. loved. it. I even started writing my own book.
However, the day that I finished writing the rough draft of my book, I took a test, and it was positive.
Finding out I am pregnant again was a huge blow to my plans. It has been one of the biggest detours my life’s plan has taken to date, and I have had a hard time dealing with it. I literally just finished writing the book about how to love the journey of life and appreciate the detours, and yet now all my new-found wisdom is being tested to the max. (see these related articles):
I feeling like I’m failing this test more often than not. Perhaps it is because on most days I can barely walk 5 feet without gagging and feeling the need to eat or throw up. Maybe it is because I cannot get within a five foot radius of my husband without my stomach churning and my nausea tripling. It could be because I look around at the tasks yet to be done in the home and feel absolutely overwhelmed. Things like laundry, dishes, and picking up now fill me with despair and doom. I don’t have the energy to even look at them let alone do anything about them. Instead of making healthy home-cooked meals every day, I feel lucky if I can manage to get a freezer meal into the oven these days. I am 39 years old and feel like I’m starting all over again!
I have loved being able to get in the car and go anywhere and do so without having to carry a car seat or baby around. I have been able to grocery shop without a tantrum for years now, so that will be fun to do again. I have enjoyed long bike rides around town, which won’t be nearly as easy with a new baby. I gave away all our baby clothes and things years ago. I am starting this pregnancy at the highest weight I have ever been (besides at the end of my former pregnancies), so that even my fat clothes are already tight. I haven’t been able to get up for my 4:30 a.m. meditation or study time for weeks now. I am lucky if I can get up by 6:00 to get the kids to school on time. More often than not I end up going back to bed as soon as they are on the bus. I’ve even slept until 11:30 am twice now- something I have never done before in my life. I feel like the life and breath have been sucked out of me.
I know that this post is not at all what I normally stand for. I hate complaining. I love to look on the bright side. I just wanted to be raw and real with you. I want you to know that there are always going to be good and bad days and that the detours of life are sometimes hard and unwanted. I may be feeling sick and scared from this detour in my life, but at the same time, I know that after a few more weeks of nausea and feeling sick 24-7, I will be over these feelings and back on the bright side.
I can already see that this baby will bring our family closer together. I know that it will be a huge blessing and joy in our lives. I see hope in the Lord’s timing and plan, even if it is different than mine. I am positive that there will come a day that I can look back at this post and laugh- knowing that my hormones and nausea were doing the talking. Just because I’ve become somewhat of an expert on seeing the good in all things and enjoying every moment of life, doesn’t mean that I am perfect. I am far from it. I am a work in progress- we all are. I am so grateful that I have seen both sides of this situation. I have been both fertile and infertile. I have sacrificed my time and body and freedom for my children for almost 15 years now, and I honestly wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Yes, this new baby has thrown me for a loop. Yes, I have whined and complained and cried about my perceived loss of freedom and health again. But, I know the joy and blissful side too- I have experienced the pure happiness of having my children hug me tight and love me unconditionally. My children have brought me the the highest of highs and most of my lows, and they are worth every single one of them!
I admit it, I hate being pregnant. It stinks not having energy, feeling like you’re going to barf every second, and having to get up to pee three times a night. But, the end result is worth it every time. Holding that precious little one in my arms is incredible. I love my children with all my heart and have been amazed at how that love multiplies rather than divides. So, while I am in this first trimester, I will try and focus on the sweet little adorable baby I will get to hold and snuggle at the end of the pain.
What are your thoughts about pregnancy? I know a lot of you love it. I envy you if you do!
Please tell me I’m not the only one that hates it!
If you are expecting your first, or have several kids undertow, here are a few articles to help you survive: